Rant

Being rational, is it really a good thing?

If the post below does not make sense, feel free to skip it. Because it doesn't meant to be anyway.

Note: full of craps ahead. Read at your own risk.

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Seriously I hate starting a rant on emo stuff. But I just can't help it. I need a place to let go and say all the shits I am going thru. If you dislike/hate/detest pessimistic stuff then my advice for you is please skip this post.

Humans, our emotional side always conflict with the rational side. Ever since I've grown a little more mature (at least, I consider myself to be mature after 16), I tend to let my rational side overrides my emotional side, because I believe I would be able to, and should, make a better decision and view things from broader perspective instead from my own perspective only.

I tend to find reasons for others should they offend me, whether they did it intentionally or not. And I told myself not to jump into conclusions and put the blame on the others before I confront them, so to avoid being unfair to them. Because I believe, unless I put in effort to communicate, or else the fault is both to share.

But the fact is, deep inside I am all mad over it. I am boiled up. I get frustrated. I just wanna scream and shout at their face. But most of the time I held back and told myself it is not nice to scold someone in his/her face before I told them I don't like them doing so. I ended up keeping all the shits with myself. At times, I am just fucking tired with it and I feel like letting them loose. But the fear of getting things out of hand held me back. For a long time, I have not known the side of myself who went berserk. I have not gone berserk for a long time and I am afraid that I can't handle myself in that state.

There are things that really annoy me and gets me frustrated. But every time I told myself that I shouldn't be because those people that did those little annoying things are people whom I treasure. You could say just open it up and speak to them, but how would you wanna speak up over trivial things that seem to be little less than important? It's like being bitten by ant, you wouldn't wanna scream over it. But when you got bitten again and again, you feel like going wild and just scream your lungs out. Something like that.

There was a time that I was surprised by myself, that when I had an argument with a  friend, I ended up being all rational and apologize even though I don't think I am completely at fault. Like hell. I swear I would blown up there and then if I were the me in the past. But yet, I just take all the shit and stepped back like a sissy. Fact: the person I argued with didn't feel like it is his fault (at least I felt so). Days later he only apologized for being rude, but not because he was part of the misunderstanding. Well we sorta made a promise back then to do and not to do something. While I tried, and still am trying, to keep that promise, he probably forgot we ever had a promise like that. You could say it's his fault, but not exactly. The fact is, he finished his part of story, while before I started mine, he got stuff to do and ended the convo.

Yea sure thing, people got closer after argument, but I don't. I was wrongly blamed, and took all the fault for a misunderstanding that both parts were in wrong (at least I think so), yet I kept the promise we made after the argument while he doesn't (at least I don't feel that he's making a try). I really wanted to yell at his face and just, speak all shits out, probably yelling and screaming with tears and snots. I don't know what's keeping me from doing so. I don't know if I am just all rational or because I've grown numb of these shits and I don't even find the necessity to explain. Maybe I've grown tired of things and I no longer care.

Fact is, I am a fucking emotional person. I just look cool outside and doesn't seem to mind, but I do. I do take note of the slightest details, and I can get offended by little trivial things. I do have mood swings, sometimes greater than girls' PMS mood swings. I am just good at throwing them to the back of my head, but doesn't mean they are solved.

I don't know how to express my feelings, but that doesn't mean I don't feel. I don't usually say sentimental stuff, but I express them in a joke as to not create goosebumps/awkward moment. I care when I don't seem to be. I don't expect you to be nice to me, but please, don't drive me nuts. I might go crazy one day. My heart is fragile and I can't take it anymore.